Did I imagine this?
It’s hard enough being a (relatively) new mum, dealing with the crippling self doubt, depression and anxiety, while trying to do a great impression of someone not experiencing any of these things without trying to do it while holding people to account for poor behaviour.
Last week, I had a strong response to a poorly time and ill-thought out piece of feedback from my boss. The result was a phone call from my boss who was angry. Not raised voice angry, but defensive, curt, frustrated and eager to talk over me. At the end of the phone call he asked me what I was now going to say to HR seeing I had escalated. I told him I wasn’t sure, I was feeding my baby who was grisling and I was still upset from the ill-provided feedback. I couldn’t think. We hung up shortly after but the impression I had was he was very displeased.
The phone call, the last 18 months, how to work through, this trolled my brain for the next three days (it was a weekend). I finally came to the conclusion that I needed to make notes to refer to and call him. To clean the slate with impressions, reasons and examples of why I felt the way I did to hopefully appease his anger and put us in a better position to move forward in our working relationship.
I felt relieved at coming to this conclusion and relieved when had time to chat that day.
The wheels fell off the conversation almost immediately. When I mentioned his anger in the conversation on Friday he insisted he hadn’t been angry. Inferring that I had imagined it. Even stating he would be very ‘<can’t remember adjective> if I’d told anybody he had been angry>’. The wind went out of my sails, the relief vanished and was replaced with the urge to cry. How do you clean a slate and move forward when you’ve just been told a heated conversation was imagined?